Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter Time
This has been the first holiday that we have gone through without our angel Dalton. It is so hard to think about what our little boy will never be able to do. As I watched my daughter hunt Easter eggs all I could think about was that Dalton would never be able to hunt eggs, he will never have the opportunity to run in our front yard with his sister and cousins and find eggs. I know that each passing holiday will be hard, but I am hopeful that as the holidays come again they will get easier.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
The Howell's journey of Becoming Parents
I am starting this blog as way for me to get things off my chest. Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Ashlee. I am a junior high school teacher. This is my fifth year teaching and I absolutely love it. My husband, Michael, and I were married in October 2007. We were high school sweethearts and waited until I was out of college to get married. We have been each others best friend for over 10 years!
We decided in 2008 that we would like to start trying to have a baby. We were excited about becoming a family of 3 and all of the changes that a baby would bring. In November of 2008 we found out that we were expecting our first baby. We were thrilled to say the least. We didn't tell anyone for a couple weeks. We finally told our parents the a couple weeks before Christmas. I had experienced a little bleeding and we were so worried that something was going wrong. We went for an ultrasound on December 23 and they confirmed that everything looked great and they could see our baby's heartbeat. It was like a weight was lifted off our shoulders. We decided that we would tell the rest of our family on Christmas. We announced to everyone that we would be adding to our family in August. They were all excited for us and congratulated us on our pregnancy. December 26, 2008 will be a day that we will never forget. I woke up that morning to a lot of bleeding. We called the hospital and were told that it sounded like I was having a miscarriage, but I could go to ER and they would be able to tell us if that was happening. We went to the ER and they confirmed our worst fears. Our baby was not with us anymore. I had a complete miscarriage. The ER doctor was so cold and she kept telling us that we were young and could try again. I understand sh was trying to give us hope, but I didn't want to try again. I wanted this baby to make us a family. We then had to tell our family that our good news was no longer. My husband made all of the phone calls because I couldn't tell anyone without crying hysterically. We didn't really talk about what happened in the weeks to come. We slowly got back into our normal routine and life eventually went on.
After the miscarriage I went back in February for a routine check-up. They did a pregnancy test and it came back POSITIVE! I was excited and scared all at the same time. My husband was dealing with some health issues that arose after the miscarriage and we were concentrating on getting him better. I didn't want to cause something else to trigger his severe acid reflex again. We decided that we would tell my mom, but no one else until we were past the 12 week threshold. The doctors monitored by HCG levels to make sure they were increasing like they should. Everything was going great. We announced to our family's that we were expecting again on Easter. Everything was great with this pregnancy. I didn't have any morning sickness and felt great. Our due date was November 1st. In August we found out that we were expecting a "little princess." We were so excited! We now had to decide on a name. We picked Kinlee Marie. I woke up the on the morning of October 11th with severe bleeding. I immediately called my doctor and they said to get the the hospital right away. I quickly through a bag of stuff together for myself and for our princess in case she was making her entrance into the world earlier than expected. When we arrived at the hospital the quickly got fetal monitor on her and they said that everything looked good, but they had no idea where the blood was coming from. They kept me in the hospital for 3 days. I was released on the morning of October 14th. We were home for about 10 minutes and my water broke, back to the hospital we went. At 11:16pm on October 14, 2009 our beautiful princess was born. She weighed 7 lbs. 5 oz and was 19 in. long. She was perfect. We were so relieved that she was healthy. We were finally a family!!
Our lives were forever changed. We loved having our bundle of joy with us everyday. I never wanted to leave her. We were lucky enough that my mom was able to watch her until after Christmas. We were also lucky in that my mom was able to watch her two days a week and my grandma watches her one day a week. We have truly loved being parents and we wouldn't change anything about our "little princess."
In 2011 we decided that Kinlee needed a sibling to play with. We started trying again and in November of 2011 we were expecting another baby. We didn't tell anyone. We wanted to wait until the twelve week mark again. The doctors again monitored me closely and did early ultrasounds to make sure that everything developing like it should be. On Christmas of 2011 we announced to our family's that we were expecting again. They were so excited to watch Kinlee become a big sister. She loves her baby dolls and everyone talked about her being a good big sister someday. On February 20, 2012 we went to have a routine ultrasound to determine the sex of our baby. As soon as they put it on my stomach I knew something was wrong. I just had a feeling. The ultrasound lady quickly said that she would be right back. She came back in with my doctor. He told us that they couldn't find a heartbeat. Our world shattered in that ultrasound room. I began thinking not again, we have already lost a baby, we shouldn't have to go through this again.
We were admitted to the hospital later that day and they started an induction. The day felt like it went on forever. We had to make phone calls and tell all of our family the devastating news. In all of the questions and tears at the doctors office we forgot to ask what we were having. They did another ultrasound at the hospital just to make sure that they couldn't detect a heartbeat. When she was finished I asked her if should could determine the sex of our baby and she said yes, you are having a boy. My heart dropped into my stomach as she told me we were having a boy. Our family would have been complete. A boy and a girl, the perfect family. My husband had been wanting a boy so bad and it just killed me to see his reaction. A nurse then came in and had to ask us all sort of questions. Questions that we were not prepared to answer. We hadn't thought about a name, or a funeral. We were expecting to get good news and to go buy something special for our new baby. Instead we were trying to come up with a name for our little boy and we made phone calls to the funeral home and cemetery. At 5:56am on February 21, 2012 Dalton Michael was born sleeping. He looked perfect. I will forever carry him in my heart. The nurses were amazing. They put a memorial box together for us and took pictures of Dalton so that we would have him forever.
The last month has been a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I am do sad that I don't want to get out of bed and do anything. Some days are fine. I know that each passing day will be different and that eventually I will be able to think about Dalton and not get upset.
We recently planted a tree and got a small bench to put by it in our front yard. My Sunday school class gave us the tree to help us remember our beautiful angel. I also wear an angel pin everyday in rememberence of Dalton.
We decided in 2008 that we would like to start trying to have a baby. We were excited about becoming a family of 3 and all of the changes that a baby would bring. In November of 2008 we found out that we were expecting our first baby. We were thrilled to say the least. We didn't tell anyone for a couple weeks. We finally told our parents the a couple weeks before Christmas. I had experienced a little bleeding and we were so worried that something was going wrong. We went for an ultrasound on December 23 and they confirmed that everything looked great and they could see our baby's heartbeat. It was like a weight was lifted off our shoulders. We decided that we would tell the rest of our family on Christmas. We announced to everyone that we would be adding to our family in August. They were all excited for us and congratulated us on our pregnancy. December 26, 2008 will be a day that we will never forget. I woke up that morning to a lot of bleeding. We called the hospital and were told that it sounded like I was having a miscarriage, but I could go to ER and they would be able to tell us if that was happening. We went to the ER and they confirmed our worst fears. Our baby was not with us anymore. I had a complete miscarriage. The ER doctor was so cold and she kept telling us that we were young and could try again. I understand sh was trying to give us hope, but I didn't want to try again. I wanted this baby to make us a family. We then had to tell our family that our good news was no longer. My husband made all of the phone calls because I couldn't tell anyone without crying hysterically. We didn't really talk about what happened in the weeks to come. We slowly got back into our normal routine and life eventually went on.
After the miscarriage I went back in February for a routine check-up. They did a pregnancy test and it came back POSITIVE! I was excited and scared all at the same time. My husband was dealing with some health issues that arose after the miscarriage and we were concentrating on getting him better. I didn't want to cause something else to trigger his severe acid reflex again. We decided that we would tell my mom, but no one else until we were past the 12 week threshold. The doctors monitored by HCG levels to make sure they were increasing like they should. Everything was going great. We announced to our family's that we were expecting again on Easter. Everything was great with this pregnancy. I didn't have any morning sickness and felt great. Our due date was November 1st. In August we found out that we were expecting a "little princess." We were so excited! We now had to decide on a name. We picked Kinlee Marie. I woke up the on the morning of October 11th with severe bleeding. I immediately called my doctor and they said to get the the hospital right away. I quickly through a bag of stuff together for myself and for our princess in case she was making her entrance into the world earlier than expected. When we arrived at the hospital the quickly got fetal monitor on her and they said that everything looked good, but they had no idea where the blood was coming from. They kept me in the hospital for 3 days. I was released on the morning of October 14th. We were home for about 10 minutes and my water broke, back to the hospital we went. At 11:16pm on October 14, 2009 our beautiful princess was born. She weighed 7 lbs. 5 oz and was 19 in. long. She was perfect. We were so relieved that she was healthy. We were finally a family!!
Our lives were forever changed. We loved having our bundle of joy with us everyday. I never wanted to leave her. We were lucky enough that my mom was able to watch her until after Christmas. We were also lucky in that my mom was able to watch her two days a week and my grandma watches her one day a week. We have truly loved being parents and we wouldn't change anything about our "little princess."
In 2011 we decided that Kinlee needed a sibling to play with. We started trying again and in November of 2011 we were expecting another baby. We didn't tell anyone. We wanted to wait until the twelve week mark again. The doctors again monitored me closely and did early ultrasounds to make sure that everything developing like it should be. On Christmas of 2011 we announced to our family's that we were expecting again. They were so excited to watch Kinlee become a big sister. She loves her baby dolls and everyone talked about her being a good big sister someday. On February 20, 2012 we went to have a routine ultrasound to determine the sex of our baby. As soon as they put it on my stomach I knew something was wrong. I just had a feeling. The ultrasound lady quickly said that she would be right back. She came back in with my doctor. He told us that they couldn't find a heartbeat. Our world shattered in that ultrasound room. I began thinking not again, we have already lost a baby, we shouldn't have to go through this again.
We were admitted to the hospital later that day and they started an induction. The day felt like it went on forever. We had to make phone calls and tell all of our family the devastating news. In all of the questions and tears at the doctors office we forgot to ask what we were having. They did another ultrasound at the hospital just to make sure that they couldn't detect a heartbeat. When she was finished I asked her if should could determine the sex of our baby and she said yes, you are having a boy. My heart dropped into my stomach as she told me we were having a boy. Our family would have been complete. A boy and a girl, the perfect family. My husband had been wanting a boy so bad and it just killed me to see his reaction. A nurse then came in and had to ask us all sort of questions. Questions that we were not prepared to answer. We hadn't thought about a name, or a funeral. We were expecting to get good news and to go buy something special for our new baby. Instead we were trying to come up with a name for our little boy and we made phone calls to the funeral home and cemetery. At 5:56am on February 21, 2012 Dalton Michael was born sleeping. He looked perfect. I will forever carry him in my heart. The nurses were amazing. They put a memorial box together for us and took pictures of Dalton so that we would have him forever.
The last month has been a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I am do sad that I don't want to get out of bed and do anything. Some days are fine. I know that each passing day will be different and that eventually I will be able to think about Dalton and not get upset.
We recently planted a tree and got a small bench to put by it in our front yard. My Sunday school class gave us the tree to help us remember our beautiful angel. I also wear an angel pin everyday in rememberence of Dalton.
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